


Damaged goods

by Anneth_is_alright



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-03-22 08:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3722416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anneth_is_alright/pseuds/Anneth_is_alright
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coliver. Post-finale. Dark(-ish) ramblings about their insecurities with a bit of angst and a touch of fluff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Damaged goods

Connor realizes that he is actually a bad person the minute he looks at Oliver who is sobbing in his bed. Don't get him wrong - he has never considered himself a "good guy", chopping someone's limbs off in the woods the night of bonfire took care of that - but he always liked to think of himself as a somewhat decent human being.

However, when he learns from Oliver the horrible truth, it hits him - deep down inside he's glad. Of course, he wishes his cute nerdy lover well, he wants him to live long, be healthy, be happy, partly because Connor has come to understand that happy Oliver equals happy Connor. It's not about that.

It's about spiteful glances that Oliver's geeky friends exchange when he doesn't understand an obviously funny to everyone else but Connor joke. It's about Michaela asking him point-blank how he managed to snatch a guy this good. It's about hesitation in Oliver's voice when Connor subtly implies that he may not be opposed to meeting his parents.

It's about Connor not being worthy of Oliver. 

Basically, he is already used to the thought because he has spent too much time processing it and he knows how to fight this unpleasant feeling in his stomach - he fucks. Only when he has Oliver gasping his name, arms tightening around his neck with bliss written all over his face, only at these times Connor can hope that no one - no perfect Bicep guy - will take his Ollie away. And he fucks. And says nothing. 

So when Oliver finally tells him, Connor is a little bit relieved. He has always known that he was damaged goods and now, when Oliver is broken too, he is finally sure that they belong together.

***

If someone asked Oliver whom he hates the most, he would answer "Me". He always had plenty of reasons to and even more now after Connor waltzed into his life. At times Oliver wonders why Connor is still with him, even though he could have had literally everyone. He is not rich, not handsome, not interesting. Oliver knows he must be excruciatingly boring.

Oliver knows he is not enough.

He doesn't fool himself - he never fails to notice the shadow that comes over Connor's face or the way Connor sometimes looks at him, like he cannot believe what is going on, cannot believe that he has really got tangled in somewhat resembling monogamous relationship with a guy like Oliver. 

Like that time when Oliver introduces Connor to his friends and regretts it this instance because Connor just drinks and keeps silent all evening. Or the time Michaela, tipsy on champagne, comes up to Oliver and whispers drunkenly "I can't _believe ___you and Connor are together!"right before passing out. Or when Oliver slips up about wanting Connor to meet his parents and then realizes that they are not even a couple yet and in what capacity he could introduce him and a million other complicated questions so that Oliver abruptly changes the subject.

The strange look leaves Connor's face only when they make love which makes sense to Oliver because sex is the foundation of their relationship. Oliver hopes that if he gives Connor what he wants, he will be able to hold onto him. But sometimes he catches the way other people - guys and girls equally - look at him and he doubts if he is ever going to be enough.

So when he tells Connor that he has tested positive and that his life and future are falling apart, he can't bear to look at him and he buries himself under the covers because, he reckons, if he can't see Connor go, he could pretend that this never happened.

But Connor stays. Until the next morning, until his next appointment with the doctor's office, until the end of midterms, until beginning of the treatment course.

Every night, lying wrapped tightly in Connor's embrace, he promises himself that tomorrow he would let Connor go. Every morning Connor springs out of the bed energetically and pulls the covers from sleepy Oliver and they jokingly fight. Every day Connor texts him incessantly complaining about Annalise or Asher, suggesting a take-out for dinner or just sending naughty pics. Every evening Oliver decides to wait one more day. 

He knows he is a bad person.

He knows that soon enough the amount of Connor's good will and sympathy is going to end and he will walk out of the door, he knows that he can't have such a brilliant guy undermine his promising future by wasting time on Oliver's pathetic ass.

But Oliver lets it last because now for some inexplicable reasons the shadow never comes over his handsome lover's face.

Maybe his Connor is right and they, indeed, belong together.

**Author's Note:**

> Oddly enough, I started watching the show after I stumbled upon some Connor/Oliver clips on YouTube. One season through, I am officially obsessed. 
> 
> Please note that in no way does this fic imply that people with AIDS/HIV are damaged or broken. This is merely my attempt at being introspective and at trying to understand Connor's flawed logic.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed my work to some extent. Constructive criticism is welcome, just don't be mean!)


End file.
